Lulu Jane Steinagel, Letter at the death of Eugene her son

The following is the text of a letter written by Lulu Jane Steinagel Wall to her sister shortly after the death of her oldest son Eugene. This event occurred during her pregnancy with Edna Viola Wall Casady.

It was transcribed from the original handwritten letter on 19 Feb 1987. The original is written in pencil and is nearly illegible in places.


Lyman Wyo.
May 2, 1918

Dear Sister:

Your dear welcome letter was received and it seems as if I could not make up my mind to answer before, for it seemed like there was nothing much on my mind but thoughts of little Gene, and that little new grave in the cemetery.

He was only sick six days in fact not quite that, and he almost died in the arms of one of Len’s sister’s about Bessie’s age, but I worked over him and he was relieved until the doctor came.

He had not said much when he was there in the afternoon, and he told me I must remember that our first duty was to the living, for the dead were always in better hands. I thought that he talked rather queer. It was just after supper Gene was taken so much worse, and when the doctor came he worked over him for about two hours, and he seemed to be much better. Then doctor sat and watched over him after than and then he left. I lifted babe a tiny bit with his head on my arm, and Len’s sister gave him some medicine, just a swallow, and he took it, looked straight into my eyes, gave one long sigh, and his dear little head went back on my arm, and he just closed his eyes and that was all.

Oh! I pray that you may never know the sorrow of that moment, to hold in your arms your darling and have the knowledge that they are leaving you, all your longing, all the depths of your mother love cannot hold them back. I rubbed his little cold hands and feet and hoped they did not speak truly, but that he might still come back to me, until they took me away, would not let me stay any longer. I did not see him all the next day until the second afternoon when he was buried, for all Friday my heart just seemed as if it would break, I could not sleep, I could not eat I could not cry. How hard they all tried to comfort me, but it seemed as if nothing could do me any good, I longed to go with him. Then one of our friends who had laid away two beautiful children, and then his wife, leaving him with three others, came in the evening.

He shook hands with me and then he sat there and talked to me, told me of the one Who alone could heal all wounds. Then he just broke down and sobbed and said, “Little girl, think of it.” Then he told me how his own wife grieved herself to death over her babies, and he said they all loved and needed her so. It seemed like he touched something in me until the welcome tears came, and I have felt softer and better since. You see I am almost three months towards having another and they all feared for me.

What a strange world it is. God is about to give me another, and He took the one He had given. It almost breaks my heart when I know he could not live to see it.

While he lay in his little white casket his cheeks were pink and he looked like a beautiful doll. One woman told the bishop he was the most beautiful little angel she had ever seen. You could just see a sort of heavenly look on his face, and all signs of suffering were gone.

It seemed like I could find no peace. I could not stay in the house, but I prayed for the Lord to give me faith to say “His will be done.” I went and lay down on the bed where I thought he had lain, and I could not believe but what it had happened. I have felt so different since then, for I feel that he is not far away and I try not to grieve, for I don’t believe he can ever be happy if I am sad all the time.

So you must all try to feel that it is best, and try not to grieve, for he never could bear to see us cry, and we must not grieve him now. Let him be happy in our Father’s care.

Write often dear sister, and let the children write for my heart needs it, it is so lonely and quiet without a child in the house. Every way I turn, I see his little clothes or toy, and I wake in the night and start to go cover him up, but his little bed is empty, no tousled little head on the pillow. But he will have none of the sorrow of life to face. How many times I have prayed that he might be spared much of life’s suffering and now he need never suffer more. God Bless and keep you all.

Lovingly, Lulu